Listening with Presence

Recently I have been struck as to how often I hear the phrase from people I work with ‘….he/she never listens to me. They pretend they do – but they don’t’.

In our society there are few rewards for listening – mainly punishments for not listening. At school and work we are rewarded for reading, writing and speaking but listening receives little direct praise. There is a myth that we all know how to listen simply because we have two ears and yet we know that we rarely feel properly listened to and one of the key complaints that employees cite as a grievance is that they are not listened to. Our students in school complain that teachers don’t listen to them; our children complain that we don’t listen to them and our partners complain that we don’t listen to them.

We are often unaware of all the filters within us that affect how we listen. These filters activate our automatic thoughts and assumptions which then obstruct conscious, active listening. Our beliefs, values, attitudes create the back-drop to how we listen. Added to this is the environment in which the listening takes place and the demands on our time.

7 year old Myles came home from school looking downcast and explained to his father that he had a problem.

‘What is your problem Myles’ asked his Dad

‘Well…. My problem is that I don’t listen’

‘How do you know that you don’t listen?’

‘The teacher was reading a story and when she stopped she asked each child if we could tell her what she had read. When it came to my turn, I couldn’t tell her anything.’

‘Mmmm. Well …..what were you doing when the teacher was reading the story?’

After a short pause Myles answered ‘I was thinking about something else.’

The honesty of the response may get us to question how often we are thinking about something else when supposedly listening.

And yet one of the greatest gifts we can give another person is to listen to them with our full attention.

Our Autumn programme Words That Change Actions addresses all aspects of communication. Why not enrol and improve your skills and become a compassionate listener.

It's not too late to join you can always catch up any missed lessons by downloading the audio recordings from our web site.

• I don’t listen to the end ; I just jump in before the other person has finished their story.
• My mind wanders to things I think are more important.
• I am thinking ahead to my own argument and what I will say.
• I judge the speaker and my judgement creates a diversion.
• I look at my watch and think that I haven’t got time to listen now but pretend I am listening.

Over the next month pay attention to your key conversations and notice which of the above are your main hindrances to full listening.